Once again my friends, I obtained a pile of comics at NYCC the other week. The pickings in the 25-cent bin were slim, and I’d be lying if I said any of the books I purchased were actually good. But the ads my friends, the ads! As I will show you here, some shining examples of playing to the dreams and fears of children were to be found in those musty books…

I’ll start with something relatively tame. The above ad (from a 1966 comic) answers the question in every child’s mind: “What can I do to be more interesting?” Of course it has particular relevance to readers of comics, who no doubt were unsatisfied with their amateur sketches of superheroes. Props to the copywriter who came up with the criminally obvious lie wonderful tagline: No Talent! No Lessons!

The above advert (from a 1980s comic) is fundamentally the same: selling a product that promises to make life more interesting. But oh my god, what the hell is this ad talking about? ‘The Badge of the Future’??! Learn what at home in spare time? How to sleep under pines or catch breakfast from icy streams? I can only imagine the disappointment that resulted from ambitious youngsters sending away for the above and quickly learning that their future was not actually Grizzly Adams.

Most comics of those days include ‘get-rich-quick’ ads designed to separate children from their pocket money via what must be only a technicality away from a pyramid scheme. And then we have ads like this one (from a 1980 Star Trek comic) that deliver a more enticing promise: be a salesman! In particular, this product must be a sure thing, appealing as it no doubt does to millions of prospects every year! I wonder how many children believed that, and how many fewer actually made any money selling these things. My guess is very, very few.

Here’s an advert from 1980 for an upcoming blockbuster film:

What’s that you say? You don’t remember the shameless Jaws ripoff beloved and heart-rending film Orca? To quote an amazon reviewer: “It’s hard to say which aspect of this film is the stupidest”…

…the art in the ad is amazing though isn’t it! 😉

Anyway, moving on to the other type of advert very common in comics – ads selling stuff to kids. Here’s a few notable examples:

Even today, I only have to read the ‘Can be heard 5 miles‘ headline to know that as a kid I would have sold body parts to obtain one of these. This is also from the 1966 comic, and one wonders exactly what these products were and specifically what they fired. If the claim was even half true, it seems unlikely that these would have been legal!

Jump forward to 1981 and this amusingly bad ad for licensed Star Wars caps. The sketches look like they took someone at least one second! And if you’re going to sell Star Wars merchandise, why caps?! How many kids bought these and wore them to school and got beaten senseless as a result?

Speaking of being beaten senseless because of something you are wearing, check out this from a 1983 Conan comic…

…was that really a successful ad?

As usual, I try and leave the best for last, and I believe I have two absolutely epic advertisements this time. Let’s start with one from a 1981 Star Trek comic:

Ok let’s analyze this point-by-point:

1) This product lets you dominate the minds of others…
2) Including complete strangers…
3) To do anything you want…
4) ‘Willingly and cheerfully’…
5) Without even knowing you are doing it!

I’ll be honest and admit I never knew this product existed, and frankly now that I do I am unsettled. Every moment of every day I may be being controlled by an unknown mind-puppeteer who, 32 years ago, purchased this product after reading a terrible Star Trek comic. The thought gives me chills.

On the other hand, now I know this is possible I need to obtain this product myself! The mind boggles at what I will achieve when I can dominate everyone secretly, and at the very least we’ll probably see more stuff like this in the world:

That said, I think the powers bestowed by witchcraft were more expansive 😉

Could there even possibly be an ad that makes you double-take more than the above? Yes my friends, sadly there is:

I thought the live seahorses was bad, but sending live monkeys in the mail?! Even though it was less than 50 years ago, this really makes me reflect on how different the US was back in the 1960s (which is when this ad was ran). Did anyone take advantage of this offer? How many monkeys were mailed? How many survived, or were released into the wild? And how many were dressed in cute costumes and forced to put on shows? Incredible.