Category: Celebrity

When Will I Be Famous?

  • April 3, 2021

For seven years between 1982 and 1988 I competed in an annual mathematics contest for high school students. In the earlier years this was held at school, but later on we went to a different location to take the exam. I recall in 1988 (when I was in 11th grade) we all sat in an indoor stadium somewhere.

I was awarded commendations in every year I entered, and actually won prizes three times. The first time this happened (in 1982) I made the newspaper:

Yes that’s the original cutting, which I still own. I placed second the following year (year 6) and in 1985 – when I was in year 8 – I won! Neither achievements apparently warranted a mention in the papers, although the prizes were better.

If I remember correctly I got $50 for second place and $100 for winning. The winning prize was given in the form of a bank account, which was my first bank account and the very same one I used until the day I left Australia!

Alas despite my photo being in the paper in 1982 I was not recognized on the street and hardly showered with respect and adoration from strangers. Celebrity, I was learning, was an elusive beast.

Luckily I had a second shot at stardom in the works, and for several years also competed in a young writers contest. Once again I received commendations for all/most of my short stories (which were no doubt awful) and in 1988 I was again in the paper:

This was a small big deal at my school if I recall, and netted me lunch with the principal (which perhaps influenced me becoming captain the next year?) but this measly name drop in the Newcastle Herald didn’t lead to free meals at fancy restaurants or designers sending me their clothes for free. Once again I learned a lesson on how difficult it was to become famous.

I also recall once competing in a spelling competition at Garden City mall, probably when I was in primary school. My memories of this are extremely vague but I think I won a gift certificate so I must have done well? There was a crowd watching but I doubt it made the papers.

Anyway after two appearances in the newspaper it had become clear to me that television was the true path to stardom, and that became my next goal. To facilitate this I became school captain (in 1989) and leveraged my newfound political power into appearances on local TV. But that’s a tale I’ve already blogged, and you can read about it here.

After two newspaper mentioned and three spots on tv I yet remained an average guy with nary an atom of celebrity to his name. In late 1989 I realized there were only two more paths open to me if my goal was superstardom. I rejected motion pictures as unfeasible, and instead looked seriously at a political career. But that’s perhaps a blog post of its own (if not one I already made)…

This tale would be incomplete without mentioning Bernards brush with stardom. During one of our weekly library trips in early 198X he posed for a photograph that featured in a story about Teletext. It was printed in a local paper and I’m sure you’ll agree it’s a lovely shot:

He still has the newspaper clipping, alas not the text that went with it. In terms of column inches his newspaper appearance dwarfed my own, but I can assure you that he still had to pay for his movie tickets and his Big Macs. Even a feature story photo as large as this wasn’t enough for him to become a star!

Ronald

  • February 13, 2021

If you don’t think too much about it, Ronald McDonald may seem like little more than the happy-faced mascot of the worlds most delicious restaurant. He’s been bettering our lives since 1963, and after so long we’ve probably started taking him for granted.

But could there be more to his story? In those sixty-odd years this benevolent ‘clown’ has often demonstrated powers beyond the normal, and his fame has grown to truly extraordinary levels. He has transcended burgers and fries, and become a near-integral part of the tapestry of our daily lives.

He goes by multiple names (the Japanese call him Donald), and at times switches his gender. He can speak every language on earth and can play every instrument. He used to live in a fantasy world with sentient food, owns a spaceship and has a variety of magical powers that include the ability to produce delicious hamburgers from his trousers.

I know what you’re saying: ‘But he’s not real!’

This is of course the assumption we all make, because how could he be? And yet those who perhaps know him best – the McDonald’s corporation – have never said this. Quite the contrary in fact: in both 1995 and 2011 the company wouldn’t answer questions about how many Ronald ‘actors’ there were (“There’s only one Ronald McDonald.”) and in 2016 when he was ‘retired’ (due to the ‘creepy clown phenomenon’) they simply said he was now focusing on other things. He’s still ‘out there’ was the implication.

He’s become much bigger than his McDonald’s origins. Completely aside from the comics and books and toys and games and tv shows and even movies, he’s one of the most famous ‘people’ we all know, and his smiling appearance always bring with it happiness, hope, and a good meal. He’s become an idol around the world, and it was famously reported in 1995 that he was more recognizable in a worldwide poll than Jesus.

More recognizable than Jesus.

For various reasons we don’t see much of him these days but his memory lives on. I suspect he does as well, and is simply biding his time awaiting a triumphant return. Maybe next time his form will be different and perhaps at first we won’t recognize him. But his powers are vast and his message – eat my burgers – too seductive to ignore. I suspect in time we will once again accept – and indeed love – him as we once did.

The stakes are too high not to. A world without Ronald is a world without McDonalds. And is that any sort of world at all?

Q

  • September 20, 2019

Five years ago I had a surreal experience at New York Comic Con. I hinted about it on the day, but I think it’s finally time to recount the strange tale.

The tale of the day I met Q.

That’s Q, the near-omniscient all-powerful extra-dimensional being from Star Trek. He is played with appropriate bombast by the actor John de Lancie and I, for one, have always considered him absurd.

Florence loves Star Trek. I think she’s mostly a TNG fan and of course, as such, she’s a fan of Q. I’ll be bold enough to suppose he’s not her favorite by any stretch, probably not even top five, and possibly not even above Chief O’Brien. Regardless though she’s a Q fan, and therefore since John de Lancie was making an appearance at NYCC 2014 I took it upon myself to get her his autograph as a birthday gift!

So on a certain day a little under five years ago today I joined a line for de Lancies signature. Many Star Trek luminaries were signing that day, and I don’t remember why I lined up for Q over (for instance) Riker, but I do recall the original goal – Patrick Stewart’s autograph – had unfortunately failed due to a cancellation.

I stood silently in line alone while KLS camped out somewhere else guarding the loot we’d collected that day. All the lines were tightly packed together and I was surrounded by, let’s say, intense fans. Not of my caliber of course, and certainly less charming; the sort that endlessly blathered about their trivial knowledge of Trek and other topics. I tried to close my ears but failed.

It was an experience.

What I recall:
– One guy had a comic with three Trek characters on the cover. I believe they were Kirk, McCoy and Data (for some reason). He already had Shatner and was in line for Brent Spiner’s auto. He was boasting about getting them all and his friend informed him (how didn’t he already know?) that DeForest Kelly was long dead. The guy was undeterred though and simply said he’d forge the Kelly autograph!
– Another chap had a giant poster with loads of cast members on it and most of them had already been signed. Clearly he’d taken this thing to many conventions and was close to getting every signature. Someone asked him what he would do with it when he finished and he said he was going to print duplicates and sell them!
– A third person was strangely focused on LeVar Burtons singing (or musical) talents and even eventually spoke with him about it as he was getting his autograph. Burton was humble, but I got the distinct feeling the fan had confused him for someone else…

There was more weirdness but time dulls the memory. It was an excruciating wait for de Lancie to arrive. Eventually he did.

de Lancie’s line wasn’t the longest but there were several ahead of me and some behind. While waiting I had become aware of the fact that I seemed to be the only one there for Q’s autograph and the rest of the line was there since he was at the time voicing one of the Little Ponies! Indeed, of the photos he was selling most of them were ponies and only two were Q! I watched those ahead of me talk pony with him, or rather at him since although he was sitting right there it seemed he was elsewhere. I watched him look straight at a young girl and apparently talk to her before I (and she?) realized he was actually speaking to his assistant behind him. It was strange. Then it was my turn.

Now I forget exactly what I said to him, but it was mostly a total lie. I spun some eloquent and moving tale about my BFF Florence who ‘always wanted to meet him’ and loved Q since ‘he was funny but mischievous and had a heart of gold’. There’s a nonzero chance I said she read the Q novels, and I may have even told him that she thought that utterly alien Q was ‘the most human’ of the TNG characters, in no small part due to his wonderful portrayal.

He ate it up, looking me right in the eye, nodding knowingly once or twice. Through my words I was sure he felt the love of his distant fan Florence. How would he reply?

“And what is it”, he said, “that you do?”

And that was that. In one simple question he utterly dismissed the reason I was there. He didn’t care at all about Florence, and demonstrated not the slightest of hints that he had listened to anything I had said.

Money was exchanged. A photograph was signed. No personal photos taken (they cost extra) and I was done. Q who?

And that was that! It was weird and surreal and irritating and funny. Five years later I still vividly remember the experience and I’ve always wondered was it just me or is he always like that?

The upside was I got an autograph for Florence, but I don’t remember what he wrote or even if he personalized it. Regardless now she knows the whole story maybe it’ll bring a smile the next time she looks at it: the day I thought I was ‘meeting’ John de Lancie, but walked off feeling more like I’d – albeit briefly – actually met Q.