Robot Claw

When Bernard and I were younger, we were very competitive about food. This has developed in me a bit of a streak that continues to this day, and truth-be-told KLS has even picked up on it a bit. Today I’ll share the horrible history that led to this.

Ah, raisin toast! That beloved breakfast bread of Oz! Every time I visit I buy this stuff because it’s delicious, and I’ve loved it since I was a child. Bernard did too (and mum and dad), and in our house a loaf of this would disappear very quickly – even in a single day. This became problematic, and after too many trips back to the kitchen to toast two more pieces only to find the bag empty one started to consider other options.

The first solution was a bigger toaster. I recall we had one that toasted 4 slices at once. A perfect solution you may think: every member of the family could have one delicious warm slice simultaneously! Alas, the truth was simply that B and I were eating 4-slices-at-a-time and making the loaf disappear even faster.

So the next solution was to buy more of it. Specifically two loaves. One for me and one for him. I actually recall this happening more than once, and coveting mine so no pilferers could steal my bread! I used to hide it away so I wouldn’t feel pressured to eat it all at once. Such was the competition for raisin toast in our home.

Chips were another problem area in the early (pre-teen) years. The family would buy a bag to share but it would disappear very quickly. This led to binge eating – if I didn’t take two massive handfuls now next time the bowl came to me there may be none left! It was alarming how quickly B and I would pac-man away a family sized bag.

Of course we solved this by buying bags for each of us. These would actually be stored in different parts of the cupboard to prevent thievery. In time our tastes diverted – I bought salt and vinegar, he bought chicken – so it became easier to know who owned what. Sadly the seeds of gluttony had been planted, and even then both of us easily ate an entire bag in one sitting (often on bread, as we ate a loaf-load of chip sandwiches).

In the years just before I left Oz B had moved onto a refined diet of CC’s (basically Doritos) and Coke. He used to hide the CC’s in his room, as if he thought I couldn’t find them there 🙂

The most amazing food competition occurred at dinner time. We both loved ‘oven fries’, especially the McCains shoestring type called ‘Superfries’. Needless to say when cooking them for dinner, we’d put the entire bag onto an oven rack every time. There would be squabbles about the division of the fries once ready though, and neither of would be satisfied if the other got more.

Incredibly – and I honestly can hardly believe this is true as I type it – this led to a system we developed to ensure fairness. One of us would divide the fries onto two plates, and the other would choose. This put the burden on the divider to make the portions as equal as possible lest they miss out. Such fry-democracy! Our house was nothing if not progressive!

However this itself led to a dark turn of events. The mania between B and myself for food equity led to – and I swear on Yossie’s shiny silver coat that this is true – us dividing the fries absolutely equally by counting them. I kid you not! I recall quite vividly portioning the fries out on two plates one fry at a time to ensure they were as equal as possible. I would even consider the length of individual fries (I wouldn’t put a long one on one plate with a short one on the other). I know this is madness, but this was serious business to me and B!

Even today this continues, albeit in a reduced form. In January B gave me the hairy eyeball when he thought I was taking more than my allotted portion of chips from the dinner table when we got takeaway. And at Chinese he always insists on getting two fried rices rather than sharing one. And as I said, KLS has picked up the habit, and every time we get Mr Subb guards her nuggets maniacally from my thieving hands.

Old habits die hard I guess.