Robot Claw

For reasons I have never truly been able to explain, people like taking photos of me eating. These photos frequently do a good job showing my insatiable enthusiasm for food, and as a celebration of my manly consumptive spirit, I showcase some of the best here today.

I had a massive collection to choose from, so to winnow it down I invoked an arbitrary rule: no two photos of the same type of food! In addition, preference was given to photographs that showcased one of my many eating techniques, or simply seemed to defy the conventional rules of consumption.

Plus, we have some bonus features at the very end of this post 🙂

On with the show:

10) Corn at Enoshima Island, Japan

A brutal hot day, a difficult hike up hundreds of stairs. And a delicious cob of corn waiting for me at the top!

9) Watermelon, here at home

This photo demonstrates some of my special techniques. You’ll notice my eyes are open to extreme levels. This is an advanced technique that allows maximum mouth-opening (you’ll see this technique again). Notice also the outstretched tongue. Again, an advanced technique that is almost surely an indicator I am about to use the ‘light speed tongue‘ technique on this unwary piece of watermelon. This technique, incidentally, is shown in video form later in this post.

8) Pluto Pup, Randwick Racecourse 2010

This is a difficult image for me to look at because it brings too mind the still painful memory that back in January of this year, when I was once again at the races, the vendor was out of Pluto Pups. Note incidentally the ‘infinite jaw‘ technique being used here, maximizing the cutting power of the teeth by squinting the eyes and therefore diverting facial muscular energy to the jaw.

7) Yakitori, Japan

#9 above was close, but this is the first shot that truly showcases the ‘gaping maw‘ technique that surely must be mastered if you wish to be a master of consumption. Notice how my face is quite literally deformed to the point of extreme grotesqueness as I struggle to fit the yakitori stick in my mouth. Good times!

6) Bacon & Cheese Roll, Randwick Australia

A nice illustration of the ‘pac human‘ where my jaws are opened at about 60 degrees and the teeth almost retracted. It takes experience to use this one on an item like a bacon and cheese roll, but once mastered the effect on flavour is sublime. Bonus points for the hat increasing the spherical curvature of my head.

5) Fish and Chips, Brighton England

No technique on display here, just good old fashioned eating. Look into my eyes. Don’t they say

This is the best fish and chips I have ever had!

4) Spaghetti, Odaiba Tokyo, Japan

The original ‘gaping maw’, this 7-year old image shows a supertaster in his infancy. It takes a lot for one such as myself to force metal utensils into my mouth, and even now I can remember the ambrosiac taste of this spaghetti. This is more than an eating photo – it’s a snapshot of a happy place in my soul!

3) McDonalds Apple Pie, ???

Sadly I don’t recall the place and time, but I do recall the feeling of joy as I bit down on this pie. I can say with confidence this was either England or Australia, since I would never even consider taking the energy to do a ‘pac human‘ on the garbage McDonalds sells as pies here in the US. This shot reminds me of the time I ate pies daily in Japan in the Fibonacci Series (1 the first day, 1 the second, 2 the third, 3 the fourth…). Few men can claim to have ever done such a thing 🙂

2) Unidentified Pastry, Meiji Shrine, Tokyo

As I am a self-conscious eater, always mindful of the opinion of those around me, I try to avoid eating in public. And yet it is at those times that one can most truly appreciate food. This is a beautiful image. A beautiful man, with a beautiful haircut, eating a beautiful pastry beautifully. In this image one sees that even a man with a swarthy soul can channel charm and inspiring grace.

1) Sausage Roll, at Mum and Dad’s house

The singlet top. The unkempt appearance. The piercing, almost maniacal gaze, and the very top of a can of Lift soda visible in the lower left. This is a photo of a man at his prime, eating what he eats best as best he can eat it. Not even one crumb of pastry avoided my gullet that day, and every technique at my disposal (‘infinite jaw‘, ‘pac human‘ and ‘gaping maw‘) was used to teach an entire box of Herbert Adams sausage rolls a lesson they most certainly never forgot!

So my friends, from whence came these skills of mine! I think I can only blame my parents. In case you don’t know them, here they are:

From an early age they taught my brother and I the importance of food. “Food is life” my father used to bellow, “never stop eating!”

Those early years were long and hard for a calm soul like me, competing as I did against my brother:

And it’s not wrong to say our daily meal tables almost always resembled a pack of mad dogs eager for a carcass:

Eventually I would rise above them all in my skills. While my brother may be able to consume truly vast quantities of food, I daresay he is still a long way from the speed at which I can put it away. For a brief glimpse of my ‘light speed tongue’ technique, watch this video: