So I had to do a special blog post, and during my research typed ‘Oporto chicken’ into Google image search. Here is a screenshot of the results:
That’s only the second page of results! The funny thing is, I don’t believe either of us are actually eating Oporto in those photographs 🙂
So what was the post? What was so special I had to crow about it? I’m sure you’ve guessed by now…
I bought my Australia tickets yesterday 😉
Details to follow…
For reasons I have never truly been able to explain, people like taking photos of me eating. These photos frequently do a good job showing my insatiable enthusiasm for food, and as a celebration of my manly consumptive spirit, I showcase some of the best here today.
I had a massive collection to choose from, so to winnow it down I invoked an arbitrary rule: no two photos of the same type of food! In addition, preference was given to photographs that showcased one of my many eating techniques, or simply seemed to defy the conventional rules of consumption.
Plus, we have some bonus features at the very end of this post 🙂
On with the show:
10) Corn at Enoshima Island, Japan
A brutal hot day, a difficult hike up hundreds of stairs. And a delicious cob of corn waiting for me at the top!
9) Watermelon, here at home
This photo demonstrates some of my special techniques. You’ll notice my eyes are open to extreme levels. This is an advanced technique that allows maximum mouth-opening (you’ll see this technique again). Notice also the outstretched tongue. Again, an advanced technique that is almost surely an indicator I am about to use the ‘light speed tongue‘ technique on this unwary piece of watermelon. This technique, incidentally, is shown in video form later in this post.
8) Pluto Pup, Randwick Racecourse 2010
This is a difficult image for me to look at because it brings too mind the still painful memory that back in January of this year, when I was once again at the races, the vendor was out of Pluto Pups. Note incidentally the ‘infinite jaw‘ technique being used here, maximizing the cutting power of the teeth by squinting the eyes and therefore diverting facial muscular energy to the jaw.
7) Yakitori, Japan
#9 above was close, but this is the first shot that truly showcases the ‘gaping maw‘ technique that surely must be mastered if you wish to be a master of consumption. Notice how my face is quite literally deformed to the point of extreme grotesqueness as I struggle to fit the yakitori stick in my mouth. Good times!
6) Bacon & Cheese Roll, Randwick Australia
A nice illustration of the ‘pac human‘ where my jaws are opened at about 60 degrees and the teeth almost retracted. It takes experience to use this one on an item like a bacon and cheese roll, but once mastered the effect on flavour is sublime. Bonus points for the hat increasing the spherical curvature of my head.
5) Fish and Chips, Brighton England
No technique on display here, just good old fashioned eating. Look into my eyes. Don’t they say
This is the best fish and chips I have ever had!
4) Spaghetti, Odaiba Tokyo, Japan
The original ‘gaping maw’, this 7-year old image shows a supertaster in his infancy. It takes a lot for one such as myself to force metal utensils into my mouth, and even now I can remember the ambrosiac taste of this spaghetti. This is more than an eating photo – it’s a snapshot of a happy place in my soul!
3) McDonalds Apple Pie, ???
Sadly I don’t recall the place and time, but I do recall the feeling of joy as I bit down on this pie. I can say with confidence this was either England or Australia, since I would never even consider taking the energy to do a ‘pac human‘ on the garbage McDonalds sells as pies here in the US. This shot reminds me of the time I ate pies daily in Japan in the Fibonacci Series (1 the first day, 1 the second, 2 the third, 3 the fourth…). Few men can claim to have ever done such a thing 🙂
2) Unidentified Pastry, Meiji Shrine, Tokyo
As I am a self-conscious eater, always mindful of the opinion of those around me, I try to avoid eating in public. And yet it is at those times that one can most truly appreciate food. This is a beautiful image. A beautiful man, with a beautiful haircut, eating a beautiful pastry beautifully. In this image one sees that even a man with a swarthy soul can channel charm and inspiring grace.
1) Sausage Roll, at Mum and Dad’s house
The singlet top. The unkempt appearance. The piercing, almost maniacal gaze, and the very top of a can of Lift soda visible in the lower left. This is a photo of a man at his prime, eating what he eats best as best he can eat it. Not even one crumb of pastry avoided my gullet that day, and every technique at my disposal (‘infinite jaw‘, ‘pac human‘ and ‘gaping maw‘) was used to teach an entire box of Herbert Adams sausage rolls a lesson they most certainly never forgot!
So my friends, from whence came these skills of mine! I think I can only blame my parents. In case you don’t know them, here they are:
From an early age they taught my brother and I the importance of food. “Food is life” my father used to bellow, “never stop eating!”
Those early years were long and hard for a calm soul like me, competing as I did against my brother:
And it’s not wrong to say our daily meal tables almost always resembled a pack of mad dogs eager for a carcass:
Eventually I would rise above them all in my skills. While my brother may be able to consume truly vast quantities of food, I daresay he is still a long way from the speed at which I can put it away. For a brief glimpse of my ‘light speed tongue’ technique, watch this video:
And on my last day in San Diego I went on this:
It was great! Truly worth the money and a fun trip!
After a drive around the waterfront for a bit we ended up like this:
At which point I had view like this:
And then after not too long the above view was replace with a bunch of fish-bears!
And when I say a bunch, I mean a whole big bunch!
They moved and growled and did bear-y things!
Ooops! I gave away that I did in fact know that they were not bears at all, but sea lions! They hang out on the top of a mostly-submerged holding tank for baby fish, which is there to attract bigger predator fish into the harbour for fishing. Every now and then the babies are released, which makes for good feeding for these guys.
Out boat/car got so close I felt like I could have reached out and grabbed one.
On the way back we saw this:
Click on it to view it full size. That’s a shot of the dolphin training facility run by the navy. You can even see a dolphin in the photograph. They are trained for security and espionage. I thought at first our host was pulling our legs but it is true, and has been occuring for 50 years!
We also drove/sailed past this:
That big cylinder is something I was quite a fan of as a child. It’s the RP Flip naval research vessel. The cylinder is pumped full of water which then sinks and flips the entire vessel 90 degrees to search as a research platform on the ocean. Here’s a series of shots of it working:
(Like the dolphins) it’s almost 50 years old!
The last thing I saw on my way back from the sea lions was an honest to god SEA MONSTER! Now I’ve seen UFOs, ghosts and possibly even an Esper, but I’ve never had the privilege of seeing a sea monster before, so this was mighty exciting. I’d say it was more like the ‘sea cow’ style of beast (such as those seen in lakes) rather than a true serpent (such as occasionally sighted in the open ocean). I only sighted it briefly, when one of it’s front flippers fins broke the surface before the Zalophus californianus unidentified beast dove down again, but I was lucky to snap a high quality image.
Judge for yourself:
Here’s something that irks me: I haven’t had enough time to blog!
I’ve got a wealth of material, and a lot of blog entries in the pipeline, but between San Diego, Irene, school resuming and other issues I haven’t had the time. Some of you have asked me about it, and I have felt your impatience!
Two more days though! I promise the floodgates will open this (long) weekend! Watch this space…
There’s dedication and there is dedication and then there is the level of dedication suggested by some of the following adverts, from early 1980s Dragon magazines:
Or, if you are inclined toward playing a warrior:
I particularly love how all you buy there is an instruction book. I wonder how many people actually responded to this ad and actually made armour?
For those perhaps not as devoted to role playing, they could still show off their fandom thus:
Or via new-fangled (at the time) ‘holographic’ technology:
As with all of these entries, I leave the best for last…
Suppose you didn’t want to dress as a thief, or wizard or even warrior. Suppose you’re true calling was something else. Something like this…
“Wear this life-like dragon mask to all special occasions” indeed 🙂
