Ask anyone on the street what they think the worst ever AD&D magic item is and you’ll likely get a grab bag of answers that may include ‘the usual suspects’ such as Pearly White Ioun Stones, Girdles of Masculinity or even the Apparatus of Kwalish.
These are all well and good, and I concede borderline useless in all but the most specific of campaign. But, Good Readers, I believe I have found a magic item that is much, much worse:
Yes my friend, that is a real item, so described on page 98 of Unearthed Arcana, written by The Creator himself (Mr Gygax). One can only imagine he had descended into an absinthe-fueled Tarzanic fever dream before he decided this would be a useful addition to the game.
And yet, aside from the uncontrollable giggles I was rewarded with when first reading the description, I was later overwhelmed with a second round of giggles when I imagined – back in 1985 – the joy I may have had when MT, MMN and MS finally killed some powerful foe only for me to announce: “You search the room and find some bracers of brachiation!
So maybe Sir Gygax was trolling us all along? 🙂
