Category: Time

The Final Experiment

“Doctor, what does this experiment do?”

“Oh it’s just some testing to see I’ve put the TARDIS back together again. I need to be sure before I switch her back on.”

Jo was bored. The Doctor had been tinkering for days and after the excitement of the previous week there wasn’t much going on at UNIT headquarters. Even the Brigadier was on leave. To make matters worse the Doctor had been acting quiet, even pensive. Jo had a feeling she knew why.

“Doctor, I have a question. A personal question. I know you don’t talk much about your past but…”

1327080775_1

The Doctor stopped adjusting a circuit and gave Jo his full attention. “How can I help you Jo?”

She took a deep breath. “Well, I was wondering. That man we met during the Omega thing. Was it really… you?”

To her relief the Doctor smiled broadly. “Josephine Grant! I was wondering exactly when you would ask.”

He momentarily returned to his work, but she knew him well enough to recognize that he was debating how to answer. Although she’d only met the ‘other Doctor’ briefly, she remembered just how different he had looked and acted. For one, he didn’t think as much before speaking, that was sure!

“Yes Jo. He was me, or rather I am him. And he’s not the only one. There are many of us. Many of me.”

Jo knew the Doctor wasn’t human. In a job that frequently meant fighting alien threats that wasn’t any harder to believe than what she may discover any other afternoon. And yet she didn’t think about it much because in so many ways he was human. “How many of you are there?”

“A dozen. Maybe more.”

“Have you met them all?”

“Some. It’s difficult and dangerous, but occasionally we… co-operate.”

The doctor put down his work and headed toward the TARDIS. “Come with me Jo. I want to show you something.”

After the Omega incident, the Doctor had been rewarded by his people with the knowledge of how to operate his TARDIS again. Jo had never seen him so excited, and he had barely slept since that day, spending all of his time putting all the TARDIS equipment back inside and testing all the circuits. This experiment was apparently the last, and the craft would function once again. She followed the Doctor inside and found him standing by the console waiting for her.

“Jo, as you know I’m not human. My race is called the Time Lords, and we come from a planet called Gallifrey. This is my craft, called the TARDIS. It has the ability to travel anywhere in space or time.”

“I know that Doctor. You’ve told me many times before.”

“Hush Jo, let me finish.” The Doctor grabbed the back of his neck and sighed.

“What I haven’t told you is that my people have developed a technology that allows us, when we die, to regenerate our bodies. This allows us to live many lives. When it happens, while we remain the same person, we are also different. That man you met last week was a previous me.”

Jo was amazed. And he said there were a dozen or more of him? “The others you mentioned? Are they from your past or future?”

“Two are from my past. Most are from my future.”

“And you’ve met them?”

“Yes Jo, some of them.”

“What are they like?”

The Doctor laughed again. “They are different Jo. Some are younger, some are older. None are cleverer though.” He winked.

“Can I meet them?”

“Perhaps, one day. As I said, it’s difficult. Even I don’t know when it may happen and couldn’t control it if I tried.”

She considered what he had said. The Doctor was rarely this personal, and before last week had never mentioned this aspect of his life. She wondered what else she didn’t know about him.

“So if some are from your future, that means you will regenerate one day?” As often happened Jo immediately regretted the question.

“Yes Jo, I expect one day I will.”

The Doctor grew quiet. Jo knew she had stirred a thought that she perhaps should not have, since he had said that regeneration followed death. She approached him,

3_&_Jo

“Doctor, I just want to say something. We have a very dangerous job, and many times we – you – have been in great danger. If I think about this too much I get scared, and many times I’ve thought about quitting. But what keeps me here is you, because you are the bravest and most caring and most heroic man I have ever met. It makes me very happy to think that there are many other Doctors out there being brave and caring and heroic for other people like me. Even so, I’m so happy that you are my Doctor and I never want to swap you for any of the others!”

The Doctor gave her a long look, stroked his chin and, after a few moments, smiled once again.

“Thank you Jo. I sincerely appreciate that.”

He looked around the control room. While he had been fitting the circuits Jo had been cleaning, and the console shone under the bright lights. Only a few days ago his knowledge of how to operate the TARDIS had remained clouded, but now it been restored, and he sensed that adventures in time and space were only a few button presses away.

“I think it’s time we finished this final experiment. I want to get the old girl working again, and I think it’s about time we took a vacation, don’t you?”

This was music to her ears. The Doctor was offering to take her somewhere in the TARDIS. This, she hoped, would be something to remember.

“Oh yes Doctor! Can we go somewhere sunny? Oh, oh, can we go to the ocean?”

Any place, at any time, and she wants to go to the beach! This was why he loved humans, and why he was going to miss these days of exile. Even with his TARDIS working again, he supposed he may return to this planet every once in a while…

The Doctor smiled once again, a twinkle in his eye.

“Ok Jo, I’ll take you to an ocean.”

As My Brother Requested, A List Of What He Could Buy Me For Christmas

Did you notice the blog was down for about a week? I received the following missive from my brother explaining the absence:

“Dearest secondborn, it pains me to admit I forsook the required blog maintenance due to an abundance of stress that resulted from an inability to find Christmas gifts of a level high enough to show you the appreciation that you deserve. Pray tell, could you help as you have done in years past?”

Lest you think this is fake, his telegram didn’t include the hyperlinks. Those were my additions 🙂

It would be positively bestial of me to ignore such a cry for help, and thus I present – once again – a humble list of items that I would love to unwrap on that most special of days…

Books Category

“I Am The Doctor” – Jon Pertwee

I-Am-the-Doctor-Pertwee-John-9781852276218

This was Jon Pertwee’s last biography, and apparently is a smashing read, containing many and varied anecdotes about his life during and after the time he portrayed what everyone agrees is the best ever Doctor Who. For me, this book would essentially be a ‘how to’ that I could apply to living all aspects of my life.

Manual Of The Planes (1st Edition)

mop

It’s possible I have one of the most complete AD&D 1E collections out there, since I have no less than fifteen different hardcover manuals including such esoterica as The Wilderness Survival Guide and Dragonlance Adventures. And yet the original edition of the Manual Of The Planes has yet avoided my ‘ever-expanding web of acquisition’ (a somewhat obscure AD&D magic item). Of course I have the 3E version, as well as other planar guides, but in the name of completeness I must have the above! If I were to live within driving range of a fabulous used book store that sells D&D manuals then I’d probably drive over there and see if they had this one in stock to buy and give me for Christmas……

Toys Category

Neo-Otyugh figure

Neo1 Neo2

This is one of those things that most of you would instantly ignore if you ever saw it in a store. Me? I’d buy it! As my brother will, to brighten my Weihnachten! Of course he’d have to find it first, which is no mean feat since it’s one of the less common figures in a figure line that failed miserably more than 20 years ago. Plus it’s a bendable figure, which means it was made in China out of some no doubt toxic rubber that after all this time has probably dissolved into poisonous gas. I guess I’ll find out on Christmas Day 😉

Imakarum Miribalis figure kit by Max Factory

62679_s0

This one’s been on this list before, and I’ve wanted it for years now. As availability evaporates, so too does the price continue to rise. In Japan earlier this year I fully intended to buy this; I was even prepared to pay an unreasonable amount for it. But I never saw it. I looked everywhere for it. I even took a solo trip to Akihabara and explored every figure shop I could find. It beggars belief that I never found it, because where else on Earth would this be available? I’ll tell you where: the place Bernard finds it. And buys it. For me. For Christmas.

Music Category

Who Is The Doctor – Jon Pertwee (7″ single)

130730445018

This one’s been on my list for a while, for several reasons:
i) It’s sung by the person everyone agrees played the best Doctor, Jon Pertwee.
ii) It’s very, very good. Actually it’s even better.
iii) I still have a working and connected record player downstairs, and could therefore dance to it with Yossie.

Don’t believe me about how great it is? Judge for yourself:

I’d love to taste that ‘secret sauce’ on December 25th!

Oh, and Bernard… when you’re adding the above Jon Pertwee albums to your cart, and if you’re feeling especially generous, you may want to throw this one in as well:

BWzUgFwBGkKGrHgoOKiQEjlLmZ24BKZJncs

Now that is a man’s album cover!

Electronic Game Category

Dalek Attack LCD game

dwatd

It’s difficult to use the English language to even describe why I would want the above, so let’s use German: Der Grund hierfür ist, dass ich ein besessener Sammler bin und wollte diese, seit ich ein Sprössling war. I reckon Bernard’s going to have to use some sort of supernatural power to actually obtain one though, since I’ve never ever seen it, nor seen it for sale, or even know if it exists. This is the sort of item that makes the quest that is Christmas shopping so grand, and I am almost jealous of my brother that I have now given him the joy of finding this gem.

Zelda Game-&-Watch

Game Watch Zelda game_watch_zelda

I’ve actually seen the above product, more than once, always in Japan. Every time I beheld it I wept, for two reasons. Firstly, because I wanted to own it that badly, and secondly because the price literally brought tears to my eyes. Especially for a mint-in-boxed version, which is of course the one I would want. Once, when only I was present and no-one else could have possibly heard him, my brother said: “No item is too expensive at Christmas!” Approximately 41 days from today, I’ll see if he remembers those words.

DVD Category

Sword & The Sorceror

1287Sword_and_the_Sorcerer

This was released quite a few years ago in the US, but it’s all-but-unavailable now. Which is a shame, because I want it! I religiously check amazon for reissues, and even went so far as to buy a bootleg ripped-from-VHS version at NYCC (which didn’t work). Those of you that have seen this dreadful film may wonder why the obsession with seeing it again, and I may not be able to easily answer. Until Christmas day 😉

Video Games Category

Snow Brothers (Game Boy)

1293657033-00

Picture this: you’re in a used game shop, perusing the ancient Game Boy cartridges. Your eyes fall on the above, and what do you do? I reckon nothing. You’d barely even notice it as you scanned the titles. You almost certainly wouldn’t know you were looking at $200 of plastic and microchips would you? I would, and I’d eagerly rip out my wallet and buy the little sucker.

Of course the above story is pure fiction, since it would never ever, EVER happen. I know because – for twenty goddamn years now – I have scanned game boy cartridges in used game stores and have never seen Snow Brothers.

It warms my heart to think that my brother, as he drives around to every single game store within 5 hours of his house, actually will find Snow Brothers. And he’ll buy it for a song. And I’ll sing the same song when I open it on Christmas Day: “To taste the secret sauce of life”!

Might & Magic Games (SNES)

box

1382389-snes_might_and_magic_iii_isles_of_terror_box_front

These are the gifts that, as I open them on Christmas day, will cause me to say aloud “He didn’t!” While I wouldn’t put anything beyond my brother – especially where it involves brightening my Christmas – the organization, acquisition and innovation required to obtain both Super Nintendo Might and Magic cartridges and give them to me in one gift box would be no less than godlike. Lest you find my words hyperbolic, know that Might And Magic 2 is Japanese only, and despite fervent searching throughout all five of my Japanese trips I have never seen it, and that the second was released in very small quantities and is very difficult to find boxed these days.

As an aside, I have played M&M3 SNES. Back in my fanzine days, FCI sent me a pre-release EPROM with the game on it, that I stuck into my SNES and played. It is one of my regrets that I ever returned that to the company…

Atari Lynx + Gauntlet Third Encounter

Atari Lynx II Boxed

Gauntlet_The_Third_Encounter Gauntlet3-1--article_image

aka ‘The One That Got Away’. As with every other human on this planet, I cared less about the Lynx back when it was released in 1989. By the time I got to America it had failed spectacularly, and by the time I started collecting games in early 1994 it had disappeared from stores. These days working versions fetch high prices, much more-so if they are boxed. This is interesting since it was a crap system with crap games… except for Gauntlet: The Third Encounter.

I want a Lynx. I have wanted one for years, and have come close to buying one once or twice. What has held me back was the fact I have essentially no interest in any games for it except for Gauntlet, which means I’d be paying what is now around $300 for something I’d never used. Furthermore, Gauntlet itself is quite rare, and the Lynx + Gauntlet combo (boxed) could be upwards of $500. If you could even find either.

So Bernard, as you spend every weekend between now and Christmas driving the length and breadth of California in the almost-certainly-futile search for a Snow Brothers game boy cartridge, remember me if you spot a cheap Lynx + Gauntlet Third Encounter combo 😉

‘Dream Item’ Category

Doctor Who Pinball Machine

DoctorWhoPinball

For a few years now I have seriously entertained the idea of buying a pinball machine. I did some research, and very quickly the above bubbled to the top of my list. It was released in 1992, it’s beautiful, it’s very complex, and it would look marvelous in my house.

drwho

The machines don’t seem that difficult to find, as long as you can somehow arrange shipping (Bernard could I’m sure) and have more money than sense (…). If nothing else, the thought of how beautiful the cabinet would look reflecting the lights of our tree moments after I unwrapped it surely moves even the most miserly of souls? This is truly a gift that would enable the recipient to fully enjoy the ‘secret sauce’ of life!

Return Of The Comic Ads!

Once again my friends, I obtained a pile of comics at NYCC the other week. The pickings in the 25-cent bin were slim, and I’d be lying if I said any of the books I purchased were actually good. But the ads my friends, the ads! As I will show you here, some shining examples of playing to the dreams and fears of children were to be found in those musty books…

Scan

I’ll start with something relatively tame. The above ad (from a 1966 comic) answers the question in every child’s mind: “What can I do to be more interesting?” Of course it has particular relevance to readers of comics, who no doubt were unsatisfied with their amateur sketches of superheroes. Props to the copywriter who came up with the criminally obvious lie wonderful tagline: No Talent! No Lessons!

Scan 5

The above advert (from a 1980s comic) is fundamentally the same: selling a product that promises to make life more interesting. But oh my god, what the hell is this ad talking about? ‘The Badge of the Future’??! Learn what at home in spare time? How to sleep under pines or catch breakfast from icy streams? I can only imagine the disappointment that resulted from ambitious youngsters sending away for the above and quickly learning that their future was not actually Grizzly Adams.

Scan 4

Most comics of those days include ‘get-rich-quick’ ads designed to separate children from their pocket money via what must be only a technicality away from a pyramid scheme. And then we have ads like this one (from a 1980 Star Trek comic) that deliver a more enticing promise: be a salesman! In particular, this product must be a sure thing, appealing as it no doubt does to millions of prospects every year! I wonder how many children believed that, and how many fewer actually made any money selling these things. My guess is very, very few.

Here’s an advert from 1980 for an upcoming blockbuster film:

Scan 2

What’s that you say? You don’t remember the shameless Jaws ripoff beloved and heart-rending film Orca? To quote an amazon reviewer: “It’s hard to say which aspect of this film is the stupidest”…

…the art in the ad is amazing though isn’t it! 😉

Anyway, moving on to the other type of advert very common in comics – ads selling stuff to kids. Here’s a few notable examples:

Scan 8

Even today, I only have to read the ‘Can be heard 5 miles‘ headline to know that as a kid I would have sold body parts to obtain one of these. This is also from the 1966 comic, and one wonders exactly what these products were and specifically what they fired. If the claim was even half true, it seems unlikely that these would have been legal!

Scan 7

Jump forward to 1981 and this amusingly bad ad for licensed Star Wars caps. The sketches look like they took someone at least one second! And if you’re going to sell Star Wars merchandise, why caps?! How many kids bought these and wore them to school and got beaten senseless as a result?

Speaking of being beaten senseless because of something you are wearing, check out this from a 1983 Conan comic…

Scan 6

…was that really a successful ad?

As usual, I try and leave the best for last, and I believe I have two absolutely epic advertisements this time. Let’s start with one from a 1981 Star Trek comic:

Scan 3

Ok let’s analyze this point-by-point:

1) This product lets you dominate the minds of others…
2) Including complete strangers…
3) To do anything you want…
4) ‘Willingly and cheerfully’…
5) Without even knowing you are doing it!

I’ll be honest and admit I never knew this product existed, and frankly now that I do I am unsettled. Every moment of every day I may be being controlled by an unknown mind-puppeteer who, 32 years ago, purchased this product after reading a terrible Star Trek comic. The thought gives me chills.

On the other hand, now I know this is possible I need to obtain this product myself! The mind boggles at what I will achieve when I can dominate everyone secretly, and at the very least we’ll probably see more stuff like this in the world:

ee

That said, I think the powers bestowed by witchcraft were more expansive 😉

Could there even possibly be an ad that makes you double-take more than the above? Yes my friends, sadly there is:

Scan 1

I thought the live seahorses was bad, but sending live monkeys in the mail?! Even though it was less than 50 years ago, this really makes me reflect on how different the US was back in the 1960s (which is when this ad was ran). Did anyone take advantage of this offer? How many monkeys were mailed? How many survived, or were released into the wild? And how many were dressed in cute costumes and forced to put on shows? Incredible.