Robot Claw

Today I’ll showcase a motley collection of Star Wars items and ephemera, again recovered from a couple of boxes that had been stored in my vault and unopened for a decade or more.

When I did the first ten treasures post years ago, I showed two cake-toppers, and mentioned a second pair. Here they are! I’m impressed with the detail of these guys, but they’ll never grace a cake, and in fact by the time you read this may already be in a landfill!

As part of the 2010 Clone Wars merchandising blitz, I picked up this insane bag of Star Wars ‘collectible bands’. Do you remember this trend, where kids very briefly became excited to collect rubber bands? I opened the bag just now and the bands were sticky, deformed and the colors had bled (look at 3PO’s head). I tossed them all into the trash with a giggle.

I was so excited when the first Episode I merchandise hit shops, but interestingly the first items we found were on a clothing store. I bought a towel, boxers and the above Velcro wallet, and I still have all three today. The towel and boxers have been used many times over the years, but this wallet is still mint. Even in 1999 Velcro wallets were out of date!

These ‘Valentines’ from 2009 show how cynical marketing for this holiday has become. Every year the shops are full of these licensed things: tiny little cards (in this case lenticular) that kids are supposed to give to their classmates. They’re just empty trash, and I imagine most of them end up in garbage cans before the day is out. Keeping these for 14 years, as I did, made the trashing of them all the sweeter.

Speaking of licensed trash, the above candy Canes (which date to 2011 and expired in 2012) are the shallowest examples. The Star Wars link goes no further than the box and the plastic wrapping, and even for the $0.50 I paid 12 years ago I wasted my money. It’s also worth mentioning that in a weeks worth of items showcased on this blog, the above may best be worthy of the obvious question: “Why?”

These ‘tazos’ are amongst the oldest Star Wars merchandise I own, being released in 1996 to promote the special editions. They are circular plastic cards about the size of poker chips with Star Wars scenes printed on the front. I have the entire set of 50 and I have no idea where I got them, since they were only available in England and were distributed in Walkers chips!

Adam mailed me this beer coaster almost 20 years ago. It’s not technically a Star Wars item, but it riffs on a famous line from Empire, although it (intentionally?) misquotes the film. I wonder if Adam remembers even sending this, or the note he wrote to describe it (which I still also own)?

I think the copy on the reverse is all that needs to be said: Chocolate Mpire rendered the Star Wars characters as the ‘engaging M&M’s brand characters’ and are ‘a distinctive addition to anyone’s collection’.

These are of course execrable, and certainly one of the very worst Star Wars items ever manufactured (yes, I include the Angry Birds Star Wars toys). I’ve got this one because I bought it for a song at clearance, and intended to gift it to Bernard. I never did, and now I’ll give it to the shop so they can do with it whatever they will. Let’s hope that includes a furnace!

Can you believe Rogue One was released seven years ago now? It’s a great film, but it had comparatively less merchandise than you would expect from a Star Wars movie. I still have the above (unopened) tissue box, which has beautiful art from the film on five of the six sides. This lives on a bookshelf, and will remain there for many years.

The above was mailed to our house by AOL in 2005, and were it not for the Star Wars connection it would have been instantly trashed like every previous AOL disc before it. But of course I kept it, and it’s so unusual and nicely printed it’ll be going back into the box to be forgotten about for another 18 years 🙂

Truth is I could probably have shown 20 or even 30 quirky items here today, and that’s even without diving into the attic vaults. God knows what forgotten treasures are stored in a random box up there? Maybe one day I’ll have a look!

There have been a number of Star Wars promotions at fast food restaurants over the last 25 years, and today I’ll show off a few items I discovered while diving into my collection.

In 1999 the world when mad for Episode 1 merchandise, and here in the USA the license was shared between three restaurants. More than a decade ago I blogged the ‘pogs’ that were given out with meals and above we have the game card that showed which ones you needed to collect to win prizes. Of course, like all games of this type (Monopoly at McDonald’s is the most famous) they print only one of certain game pieces and often no-one wins at all!

In addition to the pog game, the restaurants also sold toys! You’re probably not surprised by now to learn that I kept seven of these unopened, and after 24 years it was time to see what was inside:

These are terrible toys, poorly detailed and painted. Each has a gimmick, but much like any happy meal toy (although these weren’t free) they’d keep a child busy for only moments. These were a blatant cash grab for overhyped fans, and I fell for it hook, line and sinker.

Fast forwarding to 2005, Burger King had an Episode III license and released toys in six different types. It seems I didn’t get many, and kept none sealed. It’s also possible I just tossed the ones I got and kept only those I liked, including this charismatic Jabba water squirter. Look closely at the list of toys and you’ll note an ‘extra 31st toy’ which reveals the mystery of Darth Vader! As it turns out, I have it:

And what’s the mystery? Here you go:

It turns out if you open up the Vader suit Nicholas Cage is waiting inside 🙂

Now we move to 2008, when McDonald’s released a series of Clone Wars licensed toys (to promote the film). Above you can see my mint condition happy meal box, front and back!

I also have five unopened toys. I think fifteen years was enough time for them to age: let’s tear them open:

These are amongst the worst Star Wars toys I’ve ever seen, and McDonald’s should have been ashamed of themselves. But perhaps this was the start of the bubble-head era, that eventually cursed us with a zillion Funko toys?

If they had instead made stylized figures I think the line would have been better, but of course the toys always need a gimmick and here it was wheels under the ships or Chewies walker being wind-up. Of particular interest is the lightsaber on Asaaj’s ship, which seems to be lit via induction.

Let’s now move a few years forward to 2010, where once again McDonald’s is promoting The Clone Wars only now it’s the TV series. And what toy would they choose? Skateboards, since that’s what’s everything thinks of when they think Star Wars…

Once again I kept a number unopened, and once again it was time to open them:

While obviously an ill-matched license, the boards themselves are well made and (I imagine) fun for a child who likes to play finger-skateboard. For me though, the included temporary tattoo was more interesting.

Also in 2010 McDonald’s seems to have released small Star Wars ships in happy meals, but I don’t have any packaging for this promotion (and only the two toys).

And that’s it. There’s been loads of fast food promotions over the years, and far better toys/items than these shown here, and I don’t doubt next time McDonald’s or Burger King gets a Star Wars license I’ll be in line for a delicious burger and a frozen beverage!

Incidentally most of what I showed in todays post was discarded after I took the photos. I kept a few items, but I’ll leave it to you to guess which ones 🙂

And once again – although obviously not Star Wars related – I’ll end with the above chip cup from Burger King in 2009. It’s absolutely mint condition unused, and I still thank the lass that didn’t bat an eyelid when I requested an extra cup and she gave me one!