There are few corners of this planet over which I hold no influence, but ironically one of those is the biggest corner of them all.
The Big Blue. The Great Green. The Endless Ocean.
It has always been a frustration of mine, but finally I have a remedy! I present… (drumroll)… this:
Yes indeed my good friends, for the first time in æons I once again sport a watch. But not just any watch, for this is the legendary Fish Master 5000.
Let’s get the basics out of the way quickly: stopwatch, countdown timer, thermometer, alarms, world times and phases and age of the moon. Simple stuff. Oh, and it tells time as well.
But this watch takes timekeeping into a hitherto unexplored dimension in that it gives the wizard that wears it (that would be me): supernatural knowledge of fishes!
Let’s take a closer look at the face:
Look just above the time, just below the center. See those fishes? Well the watch keeps track over a countless amount of incomprehensible (to humans) “fish variables” and distills the necessary information into a four point scale. It then displays the output as a number of fishes on the face of the watch. In the above image, what I shall call ‘fish power‘ is currently at 50%
This fish power is dependent on the location of the wizard wearing the watch, and this can be set by changing the longitude. It is also influenced by the time and age of the moon, as well as (no doubt) other mysteries that (those arch-wizards at) Casio are unprepared to reveal. All this magic in such a tiny package! Steve Jobs would be proud 🙂
The effect of having this device on one’s wrist is to make the world of fish no longer impenetrable to the wearer. As soon as I put on this watch it was as if my eyes had just opened, and I immediately knew everything about fishes.
For instance, a quick glance at my Fisher King 9000 tells me at this very moment, were I in the vicinity of Addis Ababa, I may be heading to the nearest lake with a fishing rod in my hand.
No longer – I could finally say – could any fish hide from me. Never again would I fail to know where (or when) all fish are, anywhere on this great planet of ours. At first, like a child, I reveled in this newfound power. I would swagger around the house bellowing such comments as “Try hiding from me now you scaly little bastards!”, or “I am the God of all fishes!”. But after some time a strange calmness began to descend upon me. I became reflective, and began to realize that what this device had given me was not dominion, but invitation.
Perhaps – I came to see – my destiny was not to rule the fish. Perhaps my destiny was to join them. At last – I ultimately realized – my world and theirs has finally intersected. At last I have become one with the fishes. Truly I am now a brother to every fish. Into their scaley little hearts I have been welcomed, and all because of the power of this magical device.
For the Fish-a-Tron X-9 is so much more than a timepiece: it is a ticket to a fuller existence – a land where the barrier between man and fish has broken. Where the endless depths of the ocean are no longer a mystery, more a promise.
And where the ancient silent song from sunken R’lyeh has never been clearer…
Ph’nglui mglw’nafh Cthulhu R’lyeh wgah’nagl fhtagn!
