Category: Tech

Dragon Week: WTF

August 12, 2011

And so we come to those dated and quaint adverts that are not easily categorized. The ones that not only would never be seen today, but must have been astonishing even in their time. Such as this:

It’s not easy to even describe what that is! A weird abacus-y thing for AD&D timekeeping? How on earth could there have ever been a market for this?

But wait! If the above is of questionable use, how about this guy:

Since this was 30 years ago, I just know that ‘walnut finish’ was contact vinyl!

What about these two ads for a service that no-one that has ever lived on Earth has ever needed:

And if you are in the business of paying for your character, why not pay for the whole thing:

I think as far as KLS is concerned the above is the most heinous ad of them all. $2 per minute to have some dude read out character stats? That’s so morally questionable it must be criminal.

Let’s change tack just a bit with a nice double-advert:

The electronic dice machine is just a figment of its era, but those book covers are fantastic! My guess is they were intended for the AD&D manuals, but wouldn’t they look flash on my textbooks today? 🙂

Fancy some arts and crafts:

They don’t mention the kit comes with free lead poisoning! (Not a joke btw, home-casting used to use lead until it was banned, and even then hobbyists melted down shotgun buckshot to keep making figures until that too was banned from using lead.)

Another for the home craftsman:

How evocative is this: the above address is in Albany, NY. I love to imagine that somewhere in this city there resides a warehouse filled with crates full of unsold Red Dragons Of Krynn. If I ever find them, I will be sure to get one for each of you!

And while you assemble it, how about some appropriate music:

That, my friends, is IT! That’s the craziest ad I have yet seen in a Dragon. I just know the dude in the horned helm is Ramal LaMarr who desperately wanted to be Prince but failed but it didn’t matter because he ended up with a (scary) harem anyway. I wonder how many AD&D games were played to his soulful tunes (as opposed to Iron Maiden or prog rock)?

So if that is the craziest, what’s left? Well here’s the worst:

Words fail me…

And here is the best:

The above ad hurts my soul. As I said to KLS, “This is the closest I will ever have to owning this game.” Which leads me to a sad and horrible tale…

It was X years ago, in Rochester, NY, at a game store then known as Crazy Egors. In a large and mostly abandoned pile of board games in the back of the cavernous store, I was astounded to see the above advertised game. It was in remarkable condition (as far as I could tell) and was an original from 198X. For reasons that to this day baffle me I never purchased it, and it’s no exaggeration to say that ever since that fateful day I the last thing I think of before sleeping each night is how foolish that decision was…

And so Dragon Week draws to a close. Rest assured I am still reading the mag, and if any truly spectacular ads turn up I will be sure to share them with you. But for now, I hope you have enjoyed the last five days of posts.

I shall leave with not an advertisement, but an announcement of a very special event. If my memory hasn’t failed me, I have a suspicion AW may be able to tell us more about this event in a comment…

Dragon Week: Computers

August 10, 2011

Ah, the games of yesteryear. In those days graphics were less than realistic, so advertisers used artwork to sell their product. Such as these fine examples:

I would bet money that the two Epyx games are just Temple Of Apshai with new graphics and monster names 🙂

But computer ads in Dragon weren’t all about the games. This was, after all, a magazine for AD&D players and Dungeon Masters so why not try and sell a few utilities?

The map software looks craptacular (and would have massively impressed 12-year-old me), but software to simulate AD&D weather?! Whoever used weather rules, much less enough to pay good money for software to do it??

But weather seemed to be a big draw for these coders, and I could have scanned a half dozen or so ads for different weather system programs:

I find it intriguing. The above ad, by the way, is oh-so quaint. Sinclair 16k software for encumbrance? At $12.95 (now about $25). The world was so much less complex back then 🙂

Here’s the big daddy of DM assistance software, judging by the advert:

That art is soooo 1980s.

What about this ad, for an early MMO?

It’s from 1992, and is almost certainly a text MUD. The best thing about the ad is the cost: $3 PER HOUR! That’s 144 times more expensive than Warcraft is today!

I save the best two game-related ad’s for last.

This one is for a game that simply defies credulity:

Yes, a game about spinning plates! I had to go and do some research on this and you can bet it’s as awful as you imagine. Here’s an (emulated) screenshot of Plattermania, proving just anything was made into a game in those early days:

And last but not least, an ad for Wizisystem. There is so much win here it’s hard to describe what’s so good about it, but I salute the guy who made a business out of (essentially) selling what we would one day called an FAQ:

Gotta love it:

The best Wizardry players worldwide use the Wizisystem!

You know what… I didn’t 🙂

Dragon Week: PBMs

August 9, 2011

What are PBMs you ask? Well I have mentioned them before; they are ‘play by mail’ games. All but dead now, they were much bigger in the 1980s and frequently advertised in Dragon. Today’s post showcases a few of these ads.

Here is a standard ad, chosen because the game was ran from an office (home?) in Cohoes, NY (which is where we used to live):

Expensive isn’t it? $15 to startup. They don’t even mention the cost per turn in that ad, which would be $3, or $6 monthly. Crasimoff’s World ended up having a longer life than most PBMs. In fact it is still played today!

This next advert is for a computer moderated game with excessive (in my opinion) costs for what was probably a very dry and basic game. Note that the better you play, the more you pay!

As with all things in this genre, licensed PBMs seemed to be quite popular as well. I have no idea how successful they were, but I would have to imagine very if they hoped to turn a profit. By far the most advertised was this one:

I can’t even imagine the job of moderating what a game in which the players just submit fanfiction as their turn!

Here is another licensed game, no doubt born from the popularity of the films that came out in that era:

Free setup and rules? Turn costs must have been excessive.

The last advert for today is truly mind boggling. Think of one of the most unlikely licensed properties for a PBM, and then tell me if this is even lower down your list:

The mind boggles doesn’t it?

Robot Claw