As often happens, I recently acquired 15 old comics from the early 1980s. They cost me only $3 in total, which is a hell of a deal for that much entertainment. I read them all. I laughed, I cheered and I wept. I won’t say what series they are from, since you’re going to guess that at the end of this post!
But first, since you love them, let’s get to the advertisements from days gone past.
The above is from 1983, and it shows a product I didn’t know existed. That was in my D&D/Gamebook heyday (actually, maybe those days are now) so I would have been all over this. I bet it looked dreadful unpainted though…
Here’s a truly awful video game ad from the same year:
Could that have really sold cartridges? I find it amusing today, since games have gotten so much easier than they once were and I imagine advertising the difficulty of your game now would be a certain way to ensure failure!
Speaking of games…
I’d love to see a word game based on Phoenix!
The above half-page ad skirts as close as possible to the Transformers appearances and trademarks without infringing. I wonder if the marketing department at Marvel had any qualms about running ads (seemingly) for bootleg merchandise?
What about ‘Spacetubes’??! Who even knew these things even had names? They are still available today, sold under all sorts of names (‘Wonder Wand’, ‘Glitter Rod’ etc.) but ‘Spacetube’ is coolest don’t you think?
Enough with the professional big-budget (?) ads. Let’s get to the weird stuff found in the classifieds. How’s this for a start:
As my only comment, I’ll direct you here.
Speaking of ads that would have appealed to 12-year-old me:
As an ex-professional breakdancer, I must admit that I didn’t even know half of the moves named in that advert even existed!
Now I’m no exobiologist, but I reckon that looks more like a helium balloon with some paper taped to it than an actual alien. I will admit though that the ‘obeys your commands’ line intrigues me. I suspect fishing line and a hook in the ceiling!
The tiny ads in these comics can be divided broadly into categories. The vast majority of them are for comic stores selling back issues, and then we have the ‘selling weird stuff’ ads, the ‘pyramid scheme’ ads (sell 20 boxes of cards and get free toys!) and the ‘selling a dream’ ads. All these next examples are from the last category…
The Dream: You buy the plans and end up with an awesome tree fort in your own backyard!
The Reality: You show the plans to your dad and he throws them away in terror.
The Dream: You become a poultry magnate, world-renowned for the quality of your guineas.
The Reality: Your dad takes you to KFC for dinner, and discards the brochure when you are asleep.
The Dream: You develop awesome powers to defend yourself against the dark arts.
The Reality: The only magic here was the speed at which you were conned.
The Dream: You get a girlfriend. Finally!
The Reality: Actually this one’s good. How could love advice obtained from a shady advert in a comic book possibly be bad?
So in what series did these ads run? Well I’m not going to tell you, but I’m going to give you the change to guess. The books span 3 years and are drawn by a range of artists. If I posted scans of the main character wearing his iconic outfit you’d know immediately what the comic was, so here’s three shots of him in civilian dress. From these, can you guess the series?
First to guess the series gets all fifteen books for Christmas 🙂
