I’ve been dealing with some acute homesickness these past few days, which has been difficult. I tried several things to snap out of it, mostly with little success. And then I realized I should have paid more attention to a certain recent marketing blitz, since the solution was only a walk away from home. What is this solution I speak of? A Happy Meal!
It had been many years since I’ve eaten McDonalds; even longer since I’d eaten it in America. It was with no small amount of curiosity that I ordered my lunch and handed the exotically attractive cashier my $2.15. Such was my giddy anticipation that I wasn’t even offended by the weird look she gave me when I asked for “no ice” in my soda.
I sat equidistant from the army of screeching children and the drooling geriatric and tried to suppress my excitement as I opened the paper bag my food was presented in. Here’s what it looked like:
Have you ever seen such a fine collection of cuisine for only $2.15?!? A few immediate observations:
1) Happy Meals now come with apple slices as standard. I wonder if they do this to appease local laws?
2) The Happy Meal fry portion size has shrunk considerably.
3) Caloric content is now written on the packaging itself (the above is 365 Calories in total).
As delicious as this looks, the smell was even better. In particular, the effect of fat molecules subliming from the fries and directly infusing into my bloodstream via my nostrils was… beyond words!
Let’s eat shall we? Here was my ‘hamburger’:
Deceptively simple isn’t it. But a treasure of taste is to be found between the buns:
Wonderful! Forget the (single) pickle, the strange sauces and the mysterious onions. The true success of this burger came from the seductively artificial texture and taste. As I sat chewing, gazing distantly at the view of an industrial wastebin out the window, I became acutely aware of the way the plasticine taste of the meat patty combined with the hint of rubber texture in the bun and created a new sensation in my mouth that was revolutionary and even challenging and seemed to herald the future of food. I watched an evil child hiss demoniacally while he destroyed his Happy Meal toy, and once again marveled at how McDonalds could deliver such an experience for so little cost.
There were 22 fries in my meal, with an average length of about 4.5 cm. That’s about a meter of potato, which is more than enough for a healthy individual like me. They were delicious of course, so much so I didn’t quietly judge the large man that sat near me and started eating two large fries. If only I had his gusto, I thought! But then he didn’t have my apple slices, and couldn’t enjoy the crisp, chemical taste of the fresh apples, almost certainly peeled and packaged this morning. I was delighted.
All things considered it was an interesting and challenging meal, and one that this supertaster would not hesitate to recommend to those that seek to explore the limits of cuisine (as I do). Of course I experienced stomach cramps as I walked home, but I think you would agree that fifteen minutes of agony discomfort were certainly worth it.
And what of the toy?
It’s a Pokemon X combo of a wonderful plastic thing with extremely high play value and a undoubtedly very powerful card for the Pokemon TCG. Highly collectible, these toys will be sealed inside a box and then placed in another box in my attic and then auctioned for many dollars decades from now. Or maybe thrown away.
And what of my goal? Did the bold marketing claim work, and was this indeed a meal that left my happy? For reasons I hope are obvious in this review, I think I would have to say that yes, yes it did 😉
